Accepting What I Can Do Today

One of the hardest things I find is accepting what I can do today.  I have gotten to the point in which I am okay with what I can do.  It is nothing compared to the energy and physical strength that I used to have.   But I finally realize I need to work with what I can do and make it work.  There is no other option.

The odd thing is yesterday every time I closed my eyes I kept seeing pictures of what I am assuming is my circulatory system.  My muscles, my bones, like if they were being fed with a soft and gentle light.   It was quite calming and yet I felt like I was also getting car sick as I saw each turn, each curve and how the light and I just kept going round and round through my body.

I have never had dreams like that before and I have had my share of some crazy ones.  It is all good.  I made it today through the whole day without having to sleep in between, either that or I forgot if did sleep.  

My head is pounding and it is not allowing me to sleep.  I close my eyes and I see a picture of a brain throbbing and it feels cut off, blocked in some sort of way.     Even with my head pounding I smile to myself.  Luna is close by to me and I can hear her snoring.  Life is good.  Today was a beautiful day and I am still hoping for one more cool down before the summer hits.   Maybe even a little hail.  A girl can dream right?

I have so much to be grateful for.  I am quite content even though I do wish I could clean my house and fix my yard once and for all.  I have to allow myself to heal and I am grateful that I understand now, when I need to stop and rest it is not giving up it is resting.  It is learning to listen to my body.  For so many years I ignored my body when it needed rest.  I finally understand why it makes sense why physically my body finally crumbled and I am only beginning to understand how mentally it has affected me.  

My body physically in some ways is showing signs of healing and it gives me hope.  As I write that I realize that at some point I must have giving up hope of my body to physically recover.  I have accepted this illness and I understand my body physically will never be what it once was.  My goal is to be the best me I can be, the now me.  Regroup, soul search, what are my strengths that I have today?  What are my weakness that I can work on?  As usual I over think things.  

Back on meds for about a week now I think?  Or is it two?  I asked my doctor if the anti-depressants/anxiety medicines were going to be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life?  We had talked in the beginning about only being on these for a little while and then I would slowly wean off of them.  It has been more than a year and the coast is not clear for me to be off them.   I feel the more I am on them the more my body forgets how to naturaly "take care of things".   But then again, what do I know?