Two Nights Ago

Two nights ago was such a hard night  I don't understand why and I laugh at myself.  I do understand why.  Things are changing, life is always changing, nothing new there.  It took me by surprise.  For quite a bit of time now anytime I crashed, anytime Fibro got the best of me, all I wanted was to be alone and deal with it alone.  Something changed, definitely Fibro got the best of me two nights ago and all I know is that I did not want to go through it alone.  When did this transition happen?  Is just a passing whim?  Is this a sign of what is to come or just a glimpse of a flash of a moment which has passed?  I don't care who knows.  Screw this.  I woke up craving solitude like the norm.  But was that just a weak moment that dimmed it's light in the night or is it the beginning of a breakthrough - a clue of what is to come?  I am tired, Fibro definitely has its grip on me and yet I am pondering, what would it be like, oh whatever.  I push that thought a side.

Why?  Why now?  What has changed that such a change in my wants or in my needs should take place?  I understand nothing and yet I seem to understand it all at the same time.  Quite confusing at the same time.
Want is a strange word.  It can be a strong word it can be a word of weakness.  Men can climb mountains because of a "want".  Women, women can move mountains because of a "want".  Giggles, we women rock.

My confusion lies under the want.  At what point did this want creep into my soul, heart, and spirit?  Crap, it is definitely a want that is not going to go away.  It is not just whim.  It is a need, a calling, and it has been years that I have had a "want" like this.  Why?  Why now?  Why at all?  A mischievous sparkle ignites from within.  A girl wants what a girl wants.  It is good to have a "want" in my heart once again.

Did I ask for this want?  No.  Did I expect this want?  No.  Did I know this want was coming?  No.

 I could be sad about having this want.  But who has time for sad? I still have no clue what I am going to do with the rest of life, no clue where my path is taking me, no clue how I am going to survive day to day, no clue if I should take a left or a right, no clue if I should stay or should I go, no clue if well, you get the picture and somehow this want just sneaked right into the middle of this "I have no clue mess".  Funny a$$ I say.  Yes funny how things happen sometimes.