September 29, 2009
Querida Madre,
It is me. It has been a while. I find myself in a limbo again. I always wanted to understand your situation. By understanding your situation, I figured I would be able to understand you more. Little did I know that I would be living some aspects, almost like if the tick tock's of time have been reversed. As the tick's and tock's move forward to the present, I find myself, still asking, still wondering, and still questioning. As I write, I wonder, what exactly shall I write? What words do I need to use to find the answers? Do I dare write what I write? Do I dare ask what I ask? I love writing. It is one of my greatest love's. It has also been one of my greatest downfalls. But we both know that. I smile, because I feel you close when I write sometimes.
Tears fall when I write today. I always wanted to know what this impending sadness was. Knowing that I would always live through it, with it, and still be happy. I wanted a name for the sadness. Now, that I have it, I sit and I contemplate. Does having a name for it make it any better or does it make it harder? Knowing the word, knowing the origin of the sadness, does it make it easier to go away? Well, we know it doesn't go away, we just push it aside and smile, and be happy. Be happy even though we know it is there, be happy even though it now has a face, with eyes that now have a name.
I asked to know what you were thinking and what you were feeling way back then. What a blessed God we have. How blessed am I to know now, those feelings, that must have saddened you, you still carried on. Until you could, the best way you could. I begged to know, I begged to understand, and now that I know, and now that I have a glimpse of understanding, I am able to forgive. I find forgiveness, as you once found forgiveness. A forgiveness that I did not understand or felt that I could possibly ever give.
Querida madre, what a beautiful gift you left to your little girl. The gift and knowledge of forgiveness. The gift and knowledge of forgiveness and the understanding that even then, even with those gifts, we still carry on, even if we are still sad, we are still happy and grateful for what we have. Many people live their lives, not knowing and not understanding that you can have a sadness that can tear at your heart. A sadness that can make it unbearable, and yet because of this sadness, because of this unbearable duty, we carry on with a special kind of happiness. It is a special type of happiness that can not be broken and can not be taken away. It is a happiness that lives with an unsweetened sadness that lingers in every corner, and in every quiet and every stillness of the night. It is that sadness that slips in, in any given moment, without announcement and without wanting it. When it comes, it is the sadness of knowing what could have been is greater than what is, even if we were at one point okay with what is. It is the finding of the feeling of being home. It is the sadness of the knowing that being home will might not come again. In the sadness it is the knowing one must still be grateful.
I wanted a glimpse of the feelings that you felt, with that glimpse I thought I would understand you more. I found out, that the sadness was there even before I knew what name to call it. As I found the sadness that you once must have felt, I understand finally, why you forgived the unforgivable. For that I am grateful.
