One of the hardest things I find is accepting what I can do today. I have gotten to the point in which I am okay with what I can do. It is nothing compared to the energy and physical strength that I used to have. But I finally realize I need to work with what I can do and make it work. There is no other option.
The odd thing is yesterday every time I closed my eyes I kept seeing pictures of what I am assuming is my circulatory system. My muscles, my bones, like if they were being fed with a soft and gentle light. It was quite calming and yet I felt like I was also getting car sick as I saw each turn, each curve and how the light and I just kept going round and round through my body.
I have never had dreams like that before and I have had my share of some crazy ones. It is all good. I made it today through the whole day without having to sleep in between, either that or I forgot if did sleep.
My head is pounding and it is not allowing me to sleep. I close my eyes and I see a picture of a brain throbbing and it feels cut off, blocked in some sort of way. Even with my head pounding I smile to myself. Luna is close by to me and I can hear her snoring. Life is good. Today was a beautiful day and I am still hoping for one more cool down before the summer hits. Maybe even a little hail. A girl can dream right?
I have so much to be grateful for. I am quite content even though I do wish I could clean my house and fix my yard once and for all. I have to allow myself to heal and I am grateful that I understand now, when I need to stop and rest it is not giving up it is resting. It is learning to listen to my body. For so many years I ignored my body when it needed rest. I finally understand why it makes sense why physically my body finally crumbled and I am only beginning to understand how mentally it has affected me.
My body physically in some ways is showing signs of healing and it gives me hope. As I write that I realize that at some point I must have giving up hope of my body to physically recover. I have accepted this illness and I understand my body physically will never be what it once was. My goal is to be the best me I can be, the now me. Regroup, soul search, what are my strengths that I have today? What are my weakness that I can work on? As usual I over think things.
Back on meds for about a week now I think? Or is it two? I asked my doctor if the anti-depressants/anxiety medicines were going to be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life? We had talked in the beginning about only being on these for a little while and then I would slowly wean off of them. It has been more than a year and the coast is not clear for me to be off them. I feel the more I am on them the more my body forgets how to naturaly "take care of things". But then again, what do I know?
