I Could Either Laugh Or Cry

I had a choice today,  I could either laugh or cry.  I ended up laughing, at the end.  Quite a few times it could have gone either way.  I was so grateful when I started laughing.  A million little things were taken way too long.  I almost put a dirty cup in the forks/spoons/knives drawer and at least I caught my mistake.  I drove three times to the library today because I forgot it was President's Day and it was closed.  Within a span of 3 hours.  Fibromyalgia sucks.  It blows.  

I was able to laugh at the end and my anxiety level went down.  I was able to focus enough to make dinner and even work on a few things.  It seems like if my mind is in a fog, I don't have much pain, if I have the pain the fog is not so much or maybe I don't notice it as much because of the pain.  
I am exhausted as I sit here right before bed, forgot what I was going to discuss, must have been important enough that I did not go straight to bed as I originally planned.  

I was able to take control of the anxiety today.  It was a step forward and I am extremely grateful.  It is a start.  If feels like a start and I don't care what anyone says.  It feels great to feel like the start of something.  Start of recovering?  Start of finally coping with fibro?  Start of learning to live with it? 
I don't care which one of those starts it is.  I am grateful.  

    

Neither Friend Nor Foe

Where is he?

neither friend nor foe?

where is he?

the wind is curious

wind sit with me for a moment

for I lack the courage

to speak what is within my soul

wind, my friend

open your eyes

look in my heart

for I am at a loss for words

you will see the story

as the pieces fall together

many puzzles complete

real pictures will paint

as the story unfolds

I hear the whistle of the wind

as I bare my soul

as it feels my emotions 

without speaking words

when I come to a pause

once again encourages me

as my sorrow overcomes me

my walls begin to fade

that have surrounded my soul

I finally find the courage

and dare to ask my friend

Where is he?

The one who is neither friend nor foe?

as I lose my strength

I feel the wind surround me

as it whispers

for each and every one of us

there is a soulmate to call our own

your soulmate no matter his name

or where he is, he is

as you are

neither friend nor foe,  

does not matter the pieces,

puzzles, nor pictures

this is how every story goes

for it has been foretold

do not trouble yourself

and complicate it so

nor find fear or despair

in your loss of words

there is much wisdom

in the silence

when it finally takes hold

once again the wind

has the last word

and finally brings

much needed rest

to once again

continue to

heal my heart

and now finally my soul

 

I wrote this last night and published it under carissimi on Triond.  

It was one of those nights.  I have read and reread again.  Have you ever written when you felt like you were in a trance?  

What has captured me today is a few lines that have hit me to the core.

your soulmate 

no matter his name

or where he is

 he is 

as you are

He is, as I am.   He is as I am.  

How I am, he is.  Well that sucks, because I'm a mess. 

Am I being too literal in the interpretation? 

Why is it that others write and know what they write?

Why I write and then have to find out what I write?

I sit and wonder as I watch a movie with someone yelling "you need to forget".  

I have been able to put pieces together.  I blamed it on a car accident from 2002.  But I realize now and have to face the truth.  I've blocked out many things in my life.  They are taking less and less of my energy and putting the pieces together no longer hurt.  I am grateful.  I'm still a mess.  I will try to go to the doctor's this week.  It breaks my heart to say I was doing better on my meds.  I was able to organize things, focus better, get more accomplished.  Yes the medicines make me feel like I am just going through the paces at times but at least I was taking more paces or steps.  I have come to a halt again. It was quite abrupt again.  

 

Two Nights Ago

Two nights ago was such a hard night  I don't understand why and I laugh at myself.  I do understand why.  Things are changing, life is always changing, nothing new there.  It took me by surprise.  For quite a bit of time now anytime I crashed, anytime Fibro got the best of me, all I wanted was to be alone and deal with it alone.  Something changed, definitely Fibro got the best of me two nights ago and all I know is that I did not want to go through it alone.  When did this transition happen?  Is just a passing whim?  Is this a sign of what is to come or just a glimpse of a flash of a moment which has passed?  I don't care who knows.  Screw this.  I woke up craving solitude like the norm.  But was that just a weak moment that dimmed it's light in the night or is it the beginning of a breakthrough - a clue of what is to come?  I am tired, Fibro definitely has its grip on me and yet I am pondering, what would it be like, oh whatever.  I push that thought a side.

Why?  Why now?  What has changed that such a change in my wants or in my needs should take place?  I understand nothing and yet I seem to understand it all at the same time.  Quite confusing at the same time.
Want is a strange word.  It can be a strong word it can be a word of weakness.  Men can climb mountains because of a "want".  Women, women can move mountains because of a "want".  Giggles, we women rock.

My confusion lies under the want.  At what point did this want creep into my soul, heart, and spirit?  Crap, it is definitely a want that is not going to go away.  It is not just whim.  It is a need, a calling, and it has been years that I have had a "want" like this.  Why?  Why now?  Why at all?  A mischievous sparkle ignites from within.  A girl wants what a girl wants.  It is good to have a "want" in my heart once again.

Did I ask for this want?  No.  Did I expect this want?  No.  Did I know this want was coming?  No.

 I could be sad about having this want.  But who has time for sad? I still have no clue what I am going to do with the rest of life, no clue where my path is taking me, no clue how I am going to survive day to day, no clue if I should take a left or a right, no clue if I should stay or should I go, no clue if well, you get the picture and somehow this want just sneaked right into the middle of this "I have no clue mess".  Funny a$$ I say.  Yes funny how things happen sometimes.