I Was So Ill Last Night And Today

It was bad.  The kind of bad that if I could have driven to the E.R. I would have.  But I could not and I did not.  I finally felt better about 3:30pm.  I got through it I give thanks and am completely grateful.  I got through it.
*

I Remembered A Sacred Space

I remembered a space once that was to be sacred. I felt the warmth, the peace, and the joy of this space in my heart. It never was. But now it can be. Now it will be. Now it is and so it shall be. One corner at a time. One room at a time. It is a space of joy. A space of peace. A space where family, friends, and loved ones can and will gather. It is a space of much love, honesty, loyalty, kindness, gentleness, laughter, thought, inspiration, abundance, and so much more. Be of love, be honest, be loyal, be kind, be gentle, be laughter, be thoughtful, be inspiring, be abundant, and be so much more because you are. You are this and so much more. This is you today, not yesterday, not tomorrow, today. This is you. This is me. This is a sacred space.

I Saw A Movie Today -

On Netflix ofcourse.  The name of the movie I saw was Somthing's Gotta Give.  Loved it, made me smile.

I realize that I am referring back to my childhood in the sense, that I remember.  I remember where I used to find my guidance, should I say guidance? Or is it more where I used to find my counsel? Either way it is guided by what is deep inside my and yes there is an outside source, but it is an outside source that no one can manipulate or even suggest.  It is a guidance that I have never told anyone. 

Anyone who says I can't keep a secret, does not really know me.  Yes I can talk a lot and give a lot of information but it is just a tactic.  I was wondering the other day when did I start that tactic?  I have a hard time tracing how far back.  I am not saying it is good, bad, right, or even wrong.  It just is.  If I talk a lot to you it is because I want to hide in the words in the endless rambles. 

Is it the universe that dictates what is and if so is that any different than destiny? 
Is it one and the same or is there differences?

Keanu Reeves is a doll in the movie I just saw. 
I wonder when the movie: The Man of Tai Chi will come out?  Has it actually already come out and I just don't know?  I have been interested in Tai Chi.  I could not resist the urge to google - The Man Of Tai Chi.

I was able to find a trailer.  He plays the villain.  That should be interesting, even though to me; giggles; he will never be a villain no matter what.  Not like I know him and not like anyone cares; just saying that is.



I loved that this showed glimpse of him in other movies.
In this interview he states, "Villains know what they want."  Blew me away.  Do you know what you want?
His words between :56 and 1:11 left a lingering feeling, and importance that struck me.  That moment when you rewind and listen, rewind and listen, and  again.  It is a set of words put together in such a way that leaves you knowing, these words spoken in a completely different context, speak to you and give you much thought to think about as it pertains to your life.

I wonder if I will ever be able to see this movie, I do not know if it will even  be available in my area.  Maybe one day it will be.
I am going to have Keanu Reeves week where I watch as many of his movies as I can in a row.  Why?  Why not? 

Accepting What I Can Do Today

One of the hardest things I find is accepting what I can do today.  I have gotten to the point in which I am okay with what I can do.  It is nothing compared to the energy and physical strength that I used to have.   But I finally realize I need to work with what I can do and make it work.  There is no other option.

The odd thing is yesterday every time I closed my eyes I kept seeing pictures of what I am assuming is my circulatory system.  My muscles, my bones, like if they were being fed with a soft and gentle light.   It was quite calming and yet I felt like I was also getting car sick as I saw each turn, each curve and how the light and I just kept going round and round through my body.

I have never had dreams like that before and I have had my share of some crazy ones.  It is all good.  I made it today through the whole day without having to sleep in between, either that or I forgot if did sleep.  

My head is pounding and it is not allowing me to sleep.  I close my eyes and I see a picture of a brain throbbing and it feels cut off, blocked in some sort of way.     Even with my head pounding I smile to myself.  Luna is close by to me and I can hear her snoring.  Life is good.  Today was a beautiful day and I am still hoping for one more cool down before the summer hits.   Maybe even a little hail.  A girl can dream right?

I have so much to be grateful for.  I am quite content even though I do wish I could clean my house and fix my yard once and for all.  I have to allow myself to heal and I am grateful that I understand now, when I need to stop and rest it is not giving up it is resting.  It is learning to listen to my body.  For so many years I ignored my body when it needed rest.  I finally understand why it makes sense why physically my body finally crumbled and I am only beginning to understand how mentally it has affected me.  

My body physically in some ways is showing signs of healing and it gives me hope.  As I write that I realize that at some point I must have giving up hope of my body to physically recover.  I have accepted this illness and I understand my body physically will never be what it once was.  My goal is to be the best me I can be, the now me.  Regroup, soul search, what are my strengths that I have today?  What are my weakness that I can work on?  As usual I over think things.  

Back on meds for about a week now I think?  Or is it two?  I asked my doctor if the anti-depressants/anxiety medicines were going to be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life?  We had talked in the beginning about only being on these for a little while and then I would slowly wean off of them.  It has been more than a year and the coast is not clear for me to be off them.   I feel the more I am on them the more my body forgets how to naturaly "take care of things".   But then again, what do I know?

 

I Could Either Laugh Or Cry

I had a choice today,  I could either laugh or cry.  I ended up laughing, at the end.  Quite a few times it could have gone either way.  I was so grateful when I started laughing.  A million little things were taken way too long.  I almost put a dirty cup in the forks/spoons/knives drawer and at least I caught my mistake.  I drove three times to the library today because I forgot it was President's Day and it was closed.  Within a span of 3 hours.  Fibromyalgia sucks.  It blows.  

I was able to laugh at the end and my anxiety level went down.  I was able to focus enough to make dinner and even work on a few things.  It seems like if my mind is in a fog, I don't have much pain, if I have the pain the fog is not so much or maybe I don't notice it as much because of the pain.  
I am exhausted as I sit here right before bed, forgot what I was going to discuss, must have been important enough that I did not go straight to bed as I originally planned.  

I was able to take control of the anxiety today.  It was a step forward and I am extremely grateful.  It is a start.  If feels like a start and I don't care what anyone says.  It feels great to feel like the start of something.  Start of recovering?  Start of finally coping with fibro?  Start of learning to live with it? 
I don't care which one of those starts it is.  I am grateful.  

    

Neither Friend Nor Foe

Where is he?

neither friend nor foe?

where is he?

the wind is curious

wind sit with me for a moment

for I lack the courage

to speak what is within my soul

wind, my friend

open your eyes

look in my heart

for I am at a loss for words

you will see the story

as the pieces fall together

many puzzles complete

real pictures will paint

as the story unfolds

I hear the whistle of the wind

as I bare my soul

as it feels my emotions 

without speaking words

when I come to a pause

once again encourages me

as my sorrow overcomes me

my walls begin to fade

that have surrounded my soul

I finally find the courage

and dare to ask my friend

Where is he?

The one who is neither friend nor foe?

as I lose my strength

I feel the wind surround me

as it whispers

for each and every one of us

there is a soulmate to call our own

your soulmate no matter his name

or where he is, he is

as you are

neither friend nor foe,  

does not matter the pieces,

puzzles, nor pictures

this is how every story goes

for it has been foretold

do not trouble yourself

and complicate it so

nor find fear or despair

in your loss of words

there is much wisdom

in the silence

when it finally takes hold

once again the wind

has the last word

and finally brings

much needed rest

to once again

continue to

heal my heart

and now finally my soul

 

I wrote this last night and published it under carissimi on Triond.  

It was one of those nights.  I have read and reread again.  Have you ever written when you felt like you were in a trance?  

What has captured me today is a few lines that have hit me to the core.

your soulmate 

no matter his name

or where he is

 he is 

as you are

He is, as I am.   He is as I am.  

How I am, he is.  Well that sucks, because I'm a mess. 

Am I being too literal in the interpretation? 

Why is it that others write and know what they write?

Why I write and then have to find out what I write?

I sit and wonder as I watch a movie with someone yelling "you need to forget".  

I have been able to put pieces together.  I blamed it on a car accident from 2002.  But I realize now and have to face the truth.  I've blocked out many things in my life.  They are taking less and less of my energy and putting the pieces together no longer hurt.  I am grateful.  I'm still a mess.  I will try to go to the doctor's this week.  It breaks my heart to say I was doing better on my meds.  I was able to organize things, focus better, get more accomplished.  Yes the medicines make me feel like I am just going through the paces at times but at least I was taking more paces or steps.  I have come to a halt again. It was quite abrupt again.  

 

Two Nights Ago

Two nights ago was such a hard night  I don't understand why and I laugh at myself.  I do understand why.  Things are changing, life is always changing, nothing new there.  It took me by surprise.  For quite a bit of time now anytime I crashed, anytime Fibro got the best of me, all I wanted was to be alone and deal with it alone.  Something changed, definitely Fibro got the best of me two nights ago and all I know is that I did not want to go through it alone.  When did this transition happen?  Is just a passing whim?  Is this a sign of what is to come or just a glimpse of a flash of a moment which has passed?  I don't care who knows.  Screw this.  I woke up craving solitude like the norm.  But was that just a weak moment that dimmed it's light in the night or is it the beginning of a breakthrough - a clue of what is to come?  I am tired, Fibro definitely has its grip on me and yet I am pondering, what would it be like, oh whatever.  I push that thought a side.

Why?  Why now?  What has changed that such a change in my wants or in my needs should take place?  I understand nothing and yet I seem to understand it all at the same time.  Quite confusing at the same time.
Want is a strange word.  It can be a strong word it can be a word of weakness.  Men can climb mountains because of a "want".  Women, women can move mountains because of a "want".  Giggles, we women rock.

My confusion lies under the want.  At what point did this want creep into my soul, heart, and spirit?  Crap, it is definitely a want that is not going to go away.  It is not just whim.  It is a need, a calling, and it has been years that I have had a "want" like this.  Why?  Why now?  Why at all?  A mischievous sparkle ignites from within.  A girl wants what a girl wants.  It is good to have a "want" in my heart once again.

Did I ask for this want?  No.  Did I expect this want?  No.  Did I know this want was coming?  No.

 I could be sad about having this want.  But who has time for sad? I still have no clue what I am going to do with the rest of life, no clue where my path is taking me, no clue how I am going to survive day to day, no clue if I should take a left or a right, no clue if I should stay or should I go, no clue if well, you get the picture and somehow this want just sneaked right into the middle of this "I have no clue mess".  Funny a$$ I say.  Yes funny how things happen sometimes.  

I Stumbled Upon This Blog

I stumbled upon this blog.  I have been going through boxes of papers.  What true writer does not have any boxes of papers?  I see the old post from 2007 titled "The Impossible Had Just Happened".  I am aware the post is vague.  At least now it is.  I remember when this blog had posts.  It was full of my dreams and my hopes.  I remember the full concept of what "The Impossible Had Just Happened" was all about back then.  I left it as a clue for a night like tonight. Why tonight? Well, anyone that knows me, truly knows me, knows that I leave thoughts unfinished, words unwritten, and projects unfinished.  Or do I?  Is there a plan?  Was there always plan? Why would anyone purposely build a reputation of  "always starting something without finishing it".  Because I was fighting for my life, that is why.  Why was I fighting for my life?  Well, you see that is the story for this evening.  Yes, yes it is, isn't it?  When did this battle start?  Was this a conscious or was this an unconscious battle?  I have always left clues in my stories, stories of what was, what is, and what is to be.   I have always left the clues scattered, here, there, left, right, and I knew when things started going in circles, I knew that I was close to the end.  But with every end there is a beginning and each day is a new beginning.  Each day is a new start, a new opportunity, a new clue, here and there and everywhere and it is now a journey about putting the clues together.  I can't even guarantee I have all the pieces, but the clues are coming together, not by my choice, it just is.  Life is no longer waiting for me to heal.  Healed or not, things are coming together.

I love writing, I can lose myself in my writing, I can lose myself in my thoughts.  But then again, anyone that truly knows me, already knows that.  Good night world. 

It is me. It has been a while.

September 29, 2009

Querida Madre,

It is me. It has been a while. I find myself in a limbo again. I always wanted to understand your situation. By understanding your situation, I figured I would be able to understand you more. Little did I know that I would be living some aspects, almost like if the tick tock's of time have been reversed. As the tick's and tock's move forward to the present, I find myself, still asking, still wondering, and still questioning. As I write, I wonder, what exactly shall I write? What words do I need to use to find the answers? Do I dare write what I write? Do I dare ask what I ask? I love writing. It is one of my greatest love's. It has also been one of my greatest downfalls. But we both know that. I smile, because I feel you close when I write sometimes.

Tears fall when I write today. I always wanted to know what this impending sadness was. Knowing that I would always live through it, with it, and still be happy. I wanted a name for the sadness. Now, that I have it, I sit and I contemplate. Does having a name for it make it any better or does it make it harder? Knowing the word, knowing the origin of the sadness, does it make it easier to go away? Well, we know it doesn't go away, we just push it aside and smile, and be happy. Be happy even though we know it is there, be happy even though it now has a face, with eyes that now have a name.

I asked to know what you were thinking and what you were feeling way back then. What a blessed God we have. How blessed am I to know now, those feelings, that must have saddened you, you still carried on. Until you could, the best way you could. I begged to know, I begged to understand, and now that I know, and now that I have a glimpse of understanding, I am able to forgive. I find forgiveness, as you once found forgiveness. A forgiveness that I did not understand or felt that I could possibly ever give.

Querida madre, what a beautiful gift you left to your little girl. The gift and knowledge of forgiveness. The gift and knowledge of forgiveness and the understanding that even then, even with those gifts, we still carry on, even if we are still sad, we are still happy and grateful for what we have. Many people live their lives, not knowing and not understanding that you can have a sadness that can tear at your heart. A sadness that can make it unbearable, and yet because of this sadness, because of this unbearable duty, we carry on with a special kind of happiness. It is a special type of happiness that can not be broken and can not be taken away. It is a happiness that lives with an unsweetened sadness that lingers in every corner, and in every quiet and every stillness of the night. It is that sadness that slips in, in any given moment, without announcement and without wanting it. When it comes, it is the sadness of knowing what could have been is greater than what is, even if we were at one point okay with what is. It is the finding of the feeling of being home. It is the sadness of the knowing that being home will might not come again. In the sadness it is the knowing one must still be grateful.

I wanted a glimpse of the feelings that you felt, with that glimpse I thought I would understand you more. I found out, that the sadness was there even before I knew what name to call it. As I found the sadness that you once must have felt, I understand finally, why you forgived the unforgivable. For that I am grateful.

The Impossible Had Just Happened

I felt like my mind was going mush in the corporate world.